When is your Short Term Relationship Over?

When did I realize my relationship was over?

When the witty, sarcastic texts that were “intelligent”
were now recognized as rude.

When the late night phone calls that woke me up to chat
were now ignored.

When his horrible singing and guitar playing that was “just so cute”,
was now nothing but complete annoyance.

When the hours without response at work were tolerable,
were now intolerable.

When his anger and command “came from a caring” place
was now recognized as his own selfishness and insecurity.

When his indecisiveness meant that he was “open-minded and self reflective”
instead of just being a reckless asshole.

But when did I really realize that my relationship was over?
When I woke up knowing I couldn’t give a damn if he was in my life anymore.

-Hilary

My Last Serious Relationship in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

— Portia Nelson, “Autobiography In Five Short Chapters”

Easter and Farts.

I’ll start with what my dad repeated about 3 times on the way to church and I failed to respond to because it was 7:45am.

“Christ has risen!”  Only my mom responds…”He is risen indeed, Hallelujah!” Yeah. 3 times, every time hoping I’d jump out of maxi dress and scream it loud and proud but no cigar.

But despite it being so early, I love my church on Easter.  They literally have dozens and dozens and of flowers on the alter and just walking into the church smells (and looks) like a beautiful spring garden.  I also love my little cousins, especially 4 year old Livia and in church where there is no logic in whispering or talking quietly.  She was going back and forth between my mom and me until my mom had to go help with communion so it was just Livia and me.  To keep her occupied she was sitting on my lap and was letting her play with my hair tie.  I would put my hands together like a shark and let her tie the hair band around the “mouth”.  It was all going fine until she shoved the headband in between my thumbs and the shark would “burp” the hair tie out.  (It’s very hard to describe without showing with my hands but hopefully you’re getting the picture.)  Unfortunately I made a mistake, without thinking, and made a small raspberry noise as I pushed the hair tie back out of my hands.  Livia viciously turned around and yelled “HEY YOU FARTED THAT THING RIGHT OUT”.  I swear to God the people next to me had to get their necks checked out for damage and whiplash the way they turned so fast to look at us.  Trying my best not to burst out laughing (and turning bright red) I shushed Liv and whispered that we should 1. not yell in church and 2. if we are going to yell and break rule 1 we probably shouldn’t yell fart in church.  However, she was too busy looking at the people next to us and yelled again “WHAT?” as they continued to stare.  I was literally doing everything in my power to make sure that I would not laugh and encourage the behavior, so I literally took her cheeks and moved her head so she was looking at me and told her to be polite.

So that was utterly hilarious and probably one of my favorite parts of Easter other than being with my family and my aunt Lou for the rest of the day.

 

Holy cow though, there is no question now that Livia and I are related.

Here are some pics from Easter break!

Went downtown to Brother’s and Trinity:

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Finally tried the waffle taco, for the first and last time since my arteries were crying.

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My Beautiful Church, St. Matthews

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At Aunt Lou’s!

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The Lost is Found

I’m not going to go into the fact that I haven’t been on here in a while but I swear I did not forget about my wordpress family.  I’ve been really missing blogging but my last semester of senior year has been insane….beyond insane….but I have wanted to get back into my blogging for a while now so why not take advantage of my least favorite class and get back into it? (sorry mom)

And guess what, 37 days left until I graduate.  When someone said yesterday, “Hey guess what, we have 38 days left!”  I responded saying, “Oh, so 38 school days left,” with a laugh.  Only to be corrected in saying 38 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE ACTUAL COMMENCEMENT.  Where have the past 4 years gone?!  Now I’m not going to get all mushy (yet) by writing my feelings out about leaving the Twin Cities but there will absolutely be a tearful, cheesy, post when the end is finally here.

 

I need to work on some major stuff tonight but I’ll be back soon enough and getting back to my grind 😉

 

Update

Hello, so there was a change of plans while I was in El Salvador and I decided to give up my wi-fi, aka my life, but for good reason. When I was at school I literally would spend 1-1.5 hours in the morning sitting on my phone instagraming, facebooking, tweeting, and whatever else popped up. And it really is a waste of time! There are so many other things that I could be doing to stay busy and productive. So I decided that for 10 days I was going to focus on my relationships with other people and with my relationship with God. Both were definitely achieved.

What wasn’t achieved was a weight loss haha! Because Damn! Those El Salvadorians can cook the most amazing food in the world…..which is all fried.. and carbs… Not to mention the group I was with including myself snacked like there was no tomorrow. However since I have been home I’m getting back on track because i’m not eating as much and because my system is and was getting flushed out—if you know what I mean.

There are so many things to write about and life is still speeding on through so I decided to just write out what I said in church today. I needed to share a reflection with the congregation about what I got out of my trip and this is what I said:

Hola y Buenos Dias! My name is Hilary and this is my 8th mission trip and my 2nd time going to El Salvador.

It was very hard for me to pick a specific moment that I wanted to share for my reflection because there were so many countless God moments while I was there. And when I finally decided what I wanted, and shared with my family, I came to realize that I was planning on giving a sermon, which was also not the requirement. But after looking deeper into my experience, I realized one of the biggest things that struck me while I was in El Salvador.

One of the first days we were there Pastor Chris, Gretchen and a few others met with Pastor Santiago to talk about the food being sent to the victims near the active volcano since many of their crops had been destroyed because of all of the ash. In the middle of the meeting Greg shared with us that there was a moment where Pastor Santiago looked up and said ” Come on St. Matthews, let’s go!” And Greg said he wasn’t sure if he meant now, like everyone get up this instance and let’s get going? Or if he was just trying to show a sense of urgency because people really needed help. But we eventually made our way to the volcano and worshipped with some of the people that were affected by it.

Come on St. Matthew’s, Let’s Go.

Many people told their stories about what happened and where they were when the ash started flooding out of the volcano. Some were cooking, some were on the volcano, some were worried because they were separated from their families, some even thought that it was literally the end of the world. But everyone’s story had one thing in common, they stopped what they were doing and they prayed. Among the panic, the craziness, the complete chaos, they prayed. A mother even told us that as the ash was flooding the air she told her two kids to get on their knees and start praying. How many times have I done that in my life, given up even simple problems to God? And would I have done that in a time where I thought the world was ending?

Come on St. Matthew’s, Let’s Go.

Those were the people of Pastor Donal’s congregation. The pastor who would somehow hitch hike or find a ride multiple times a week 3 hours away in order to serve and minister to these people. The pastor who easily had the best dimpled smile in the world that would instantly make you smile. The pastor who one time held onto the back of a motorcycle taxi for those 3 hours, just to have sunday church for those people. The pastor who has reached out to the people of El Salvador and shown an overwhelming amount of love and compassion. The pastor who looked me and a few others in the eye and said “And what do you do for your church?” Where we decided to tell him about Vacation Bible school and Sunday School and he listened, nodded in agreement and then asked the same question..”what do YOU do for YOUR church, for YOUR people.” I will let you know that I have never felt so humbled and so small coming from a man who gives his life up to serve others. I didn’t even respond because I thought nothing could justify his question. I instead rambled on about school, saying it’s easy to lose track of time and how busy I am, feeling very ashamed that I had no appropriate answer to give. That question since then has haunted me and keeps ringing in my head, so I’ve already looked into places I can volunteer in the twin cities where I go to school. I want to help my people in America who are suffering and give back, like Pastor Donal. He gave me a complete uncomfortable but completely necessary wake up call and truly serves as an inspiration to me. One person really can make a difference no matter where you are and there is always time to do so. It’s as if in that moment God was saying

“Come on Hilary, Let’s go.” And I’m going.

I’m really going to try and get back into blogging. I’m sorry that’s been so long! I miss my blog community.

EL SALVADOR

Oh my lanta!

Hello people.  I have not been on here for a very long time and it makes me mad, but I can promise you that I have been insanely busy and tomorrow is the day that I leave for El Salvador.  In El Salvador I’ll be going on a mission trip with people from my church (college kids and adults).  I went back in January 2011, so it ain’t my first rodeo but no mission trip is exactly alike.  I’m going to try and post things every single day to record parts of my trip (and to get back into the blogging spirit).  So check it out if you want to 🙂

Basically we are going there because my church has a partnership with a church in El Salvador.  The reason we go is to “build relationships” which many people struggle to understand.  I mean sure, sometimes we endure physical labor, but what’s most important is communicating and being with the people of El Salvador.  Spring semester last year I wrote a blog about Oscar Romero that I’ll share:

“It was on April 21, 2013.

SALVADORAN ARCHBISHOP OSCAR ROMERO

“Peace is not the product of terror or fear. Peaceful is not the silence of cemeteries. Peace is not the silent result of violent repression. Peaceful is the generous, tranquil contribution of all to the good of all. Peace is dynamism. Peace is generosity. It is right and it is duty.”-Archbishop Oscar Romero

Last Wednesday in my Justice and Peace theology class, we watched the movie “Romero”.  And in the beginning of the class I silently thought to myself “should I just leave when they start the movie? I’ve already seen it a few times…”  But my guilty conscious made me stay and I sat through the film.  I don’t know what it was about this time watching the movie, but I was left speechless.  Don’t get me wrong, every time I’ve watched it I’ve gotten goosebumps since I did mission work in El Salvador in 2011, trying to promote non-violence.  And every single time I’ve watched it, I’ve felt a connection since I had been with the people, heard their grueling stories, and actually participated in the wreckage.  But this time was different.  When the movie ended, it’s like the whole room felt it too and nobody moved.  We all just sat in silence in the dark as the credits flashed on the projector.  I looked down and realized my hands were shaking and tears were running down my face.  It seemed like time had stopped until my professor got up and turned on the lights, and she was getting emotional.  She stood in front of our class, crying as well, and said, “So many lives were lost in the El Salvadorian war, so many injustices took place, but you need to know that this happens every single day.  I’ve been hungry.  I’ve watched people die.  And it IS REAL.  This isn’t just a film we’re watching for class.”  Her words echoed throughout the classroom, as all of us just stared.  I wanted to participate or say something but words just couldn’t come out, and even if they did they wouldn’t justify what I was feeling.  As we packed up, my professor apologized for getting emotional and that she usually doesn’t get like that, since she had seen the movie so many times.  I completely understood what she was feeling, so me being awkward me, I just walked up and hugged her.  I didn’t have words, and sometimes a hug can speak more than anything.  I thanked her for sharing her thoughts and the film and then I left, my head spinning.

For a few weeks now I have been questioning where I’m going, and what I’m being called to do.  The pressures of growing up are starting to cave in—one year until graduation…  It’s hard to comprehend.  I’ve had this internal struggle asking myself what I want, what God wants, what others want, and what will make me happy.  The more I wonder and spend time praying and contemplating I keep realizing that I love helping people.  I have such strong passions about equality, human rights, and love, that I feel the path of my life starting to twist.  I want to make a positive difference in this world.  I want to be like Oscar Romero, helping people in need and serving others, inspiring people to keep going even when they’re being persecuted.  I want to show people that they aren’t alone, and they never will be.

The questions that keep playing in my mind are: will I really be satisfied just getting pushed into a company?  What if I can’t find a company that correlate with my morals and values?  What if I’m suppose to be doing mission work and using my business skills in that way?  Could I get a job in some sort of business and then just volunteer as a hobby?  Possible work for non-profit?  I just don’t know and my future is honestly filled with the unknown….. so the plan is for me to start volunteering more, and obviously finishing up my college year strong.  Until then, just going to look and pray for guidance….”

It’s crazy that I’m going back, with more knowledge about El Salvador than I’ve ever had before.  And comically, I’m dealing with the same questions that I had last April.

Something that stuck with me that my Pastor said was, “don’t go into this thinking you’re the treasure, thinking YOU’RE going to be the one coming to save them.  Go into it looking for the treasure.  You will get so much more out of it looking to learn and looking for it throughout the people.”  That’s what I plan on doing.  I’ll keep you guys posted.  I’m ready to serve the people of El Salvador.

Absolute Craziness

So basically my life has been and is absolutely busy.
Finals happened.
I came home and started working.
I had a girls night secret santa.
I had a Christmas dinner with my best friend and her family.
I went to Christmas and Packer parties.
I went to the Best Christmas Pageant Ever play.
I had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day traditions.
On the 26th I left for Iowa for more Christmas family fun!
Tomorrow I leave for Minnesota for New Years.
I’ll come back on the 1st in time for my retreat on the 2nd.
I leave for El Salvador on the 7th for 10 days.

It’s like I can barely catch my breath!! But don’t worry, I’ll keep up! I hope everyone’s holidays were great 🙂 I miss being apart of my blog community!!