I AM CURRENTLY

I got this from one of my favorite bloggers I follow: http://xjustanotherteenblogger.wordpress.com/ so I decided to do it too!

 

Making :: a list of all the things I need to accomplish this week. (lots of career and senior year junk!)
Drinking :: English Tea, aghhhh so delicious, especially right before bed.
Reading :: new apps available for my mac, deciding whether or not to download that maverick x, it has some pretty good reviews!
Wanting :: someone to give me a massage, because who doesn’t want that?  I’ve actually never had a professional one.
Looking :: for a sign that things are going to be okay.
Playing :: Restaurant story.  My life is literally a nerdy child game, gotta make those cakes all day everyday.
Wasting :: my time thinking about people that don’t think about me.
Eating :: really healthy lately.  Like seriously recording everything and under 1200 calories.  Gotta keep going for the 30 day fitness challenge 😉
Wishing :: that I could lose more weight faster!  It’s hard being patient and waiting for results!
Enjoying :: that I’m growing up and starting to make my own decisions and becoming who I want to be.
Waiting :: until I can go home for Thanksgiving and see my family.  I really miss seeing everyone, especially my parents.  It’s sad how long you took parents for granted in high school and middle school, and then in college it just hits you how important they really are.
Liking :: the fact that I have a sleep playlist on my itunes so I can drink my tea and listen in peace.  It helps me wind down for bed time.
Wondering :: how the job fair is going to go this Friday, gotta keep an open mind!
Loving :: this vanilla candle next to me.  Want to make me happy?  Buy me a candle.
Hoping :: I didn’t butcher that finance test.  It did not go how I expected and I just hope that I got a C, at least.
Marveling :: at how lucky I am.  I’m 21 years old and have experienced so many things in my life and have met such incredible people that have changed me.  14 countries, 7 mission trips, and college do that to you I guess.
Needing :: a tan because I’m pretty sure by Christmas I’m going to be translucent.
Smelling :: that damn amazing vanilla candle!!
Wearing :: the most ugly outfit you’ve ever seen.  Oversized Green Bay Packers sweatshirt, gray and pink yoga capri’s and royal blue fuzzy socks.
Following :: rules that I’ve made for myself is harder than you think, especially when I’m the one that’s made the rules.
Noticing :: that I probably should start going back to church.  Praying isn’t enough sometimes.
Knowing :: this is my last year of college and I need to keep living it up and saying Yes to whatever adventures come my way.
Thinking :: about where I should work out tomorrow, in the gym?  Run outside?  Hmmm
Bookmarking :: recipes!  I have found my new love for cooking and experimenting and surprisingly evernote is the best place to record it all.  I find a lot of them on blogs, pintrest and cooking light!
Opening :: my journal.  I need to keep writing, it’s an outlet that never fails.
Feeling :: a little sleepy, but so ready to get this week started!  My attitude is not the usual Monday blues!

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Grains of Sand

A poem I wrote in February.

I look down at the feelings I have for you

just holding them in one hand.

And as I question how it’s gotten to this,

And as I question how your love could change,

I start to feel the feelings slip through my fingers,

like delicate grains of sand.

I feel them trickle through each crack of my hand

and I start to panic

and my heart starts to race as I put my hand under,

attempting to save them.

Only I start falling back into the same pattern as they

slip slip slip

and I

catch catch catch.

And with each time this happens the pile I originally had

is slowly melting away.

I continue this ritual over and over

as I spastically look for you.

Seeing if you want to save these feeling just as bad as I do.

But you are nowhere to be found.

And as I continue to search for you,

longing for you to want me,

I hear the repetitive

slip slip slip

and the

catch catch catch.

And I’m out of breath

and I’m exhausted

with this failed attempt to find you

until I look down and realize that there is

one

grain

left.

I shout out your name one final time in hopes that

I’ll hear your footsteps running,

but the only thing I hear is the echo of my own voice

wrapping it’s frigid arms around my body.

And with that I gaze down at the grain,

And I slowly let it drop off my hands,

allowing it to give company to the rest of the feelings,

scattered all over the ground.

And as I start to walk away,

I hear my name being called distantly,

you’ve seen the grains,

you’ve seen the feelings,

but it’s too damn late.

Women and Ex-Boyfriends

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Why do we do it ladies?

Why do we talk to our ex-boyfriends?

Maybe it was you reaching out to them to see if they’re the same or how they’ve been.  Maybe it was them coming to you saying they missed you.  And for a split second I bet you thought, it won’t hurt.  It won’t matter talking to them this one time.  You like the mystery of not knowing where it will go, the exhilarating feeling of not knowing where the conversation will take you.  The thought of re-kindling could have even briefly crossed your mind.  But deep deep down we all know that it’s a recipe for disaster.

You start talking and one of two things happens.

1. You develop a spark and continue to pursue it until one of you starts to remember the reason you broke up and old wounds are re-opened and it ends worse than the first time.

2. You realize how over it really is and how all feelings are dead because wow, he is an idiot.

Now I’m not saying that talking to every single ex you have will end this way or produce these results, because sometimes it can lead to a content place, even provide the closure you never had.  But from my own experience, the majority never ends well with most ex’s and I can’t help but feel that I have a lot of lady-friends that can agree with me.

My business law professor once said, “Nothing good happens after 2am.  If it’s past 2am and you’re up, just go straight to bed.”  I find a correlation with what we need to remember about ex-boyfriends, girls.  Nothing good is going to happen trying to re-kindle a past relationship (especially if it ended up badly), so let it go.  No matter how curious you are, no matter what feelings are being brought back, save yourself the pain and the time.  Walk away.  Delete the text. Go to bed.

The Color Red

I was on tumblr one day and saw this in someone’s question box.  Their answer gave me chills; what an amazing writer and a gifted mind.

 

“Describe the color red without using the word red.”

When you dip her in the middle of the dance floor, it is the color of her dress.  When she whispers in your ear, it is the color of her lips.  When you make love, it is the trace you want her to leave all over your body.  When she places her hand over heart, it is the color that comes to the surface as her fingertips trail like a sentence that can never be finished.  When you see her in your bedroom with another, it is the color of your breath.  When you smash the vase in the hall, it is the color that threatens you to abandon the shattered pieces.  When you scream at the top of your lungs, it is the color that pierces the atmosphere.  When she hears you, it is the color of her pulse.  When you look in her eyes for the last time, it is the fading color of your heart falling to your knees.  It is not the color you see when she leaves.

 

You will fall in love

“You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?
You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.
You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PSYCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.
You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.
So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now”

-Ryan O’Connell