I haven’t been posting because I’m back in the big MKE for midterm break! So in the mean time, here’s some pics!
Today was a day for me that is hard to describe in words. I woke up sad. Really sad. And I wanted to lay in my bed until 2:40pm and just be alone and drown in my self pity. But the more I thought about that, the more annoyed I got with myself and knew I had to get up. I’ve had days like these before, and sometimes I give in to the sadness, but today I didn’t. I yelled out loud to myself “STOP IT AND GET UP” and what do you know, my body shot up, my feet touched the ground and I was up. I turned on “Roll to Me” by Del Amitri on full blast and danced around, got in the shower, got ready, and ran out the door as fast as I could. I know from previous experience that if I stay in my house all alone, I just feel sadder.
As I walked, I put on all kinds of music, happy, sad, fall, and enjoyed every single word of every song. I took the time to look around at the neighborhoods I passed, the leaves changing colors, the amount of people walking to and from classes. It made me feel better, and most importantly I focused on breathing in and breathing out. It relaxed me completely and made me feel so much better, so much more alive.
Good things started happening: my class was canceled, I got to spend time with friends, and I completed things today that I’ve put aside for weeks. It’s as if when I left my apartment today that something just smacked me in my face, whether it be God or my own conscience, and screamed “HILARY, WAKE UP.” I can’t describe what it was like other than a lot of worries faded away, and I felt okay. I knew the answers to certain questions I had been wondering for weeks and felt truly inspired. I felt self worth, I felt empowerment, I felt freedom. I had the motivation to strive and I pushed all of the negative things holding me down aside.
I don’t know if on every bad day that I’ll have crazy epiphany’s like this, but whatever happened to me today was beautiful and not taken for granted.
A poem I wrote in February.
I look down at the feelings I have for you
just holding them in one hand.
And as I question how it’s gotten to this,
And as I question how your love could change,
I start to feel the feelings slip through my fingers,
like delicate grains of sand.
I feel them trickle through each crack of my hand
and I start to panic
and my heart starts to race as I put my hand under,
attempting to save them.
Only I start falling back into the same pattern as they
slip slip slip
catch catch catch.
And with each time this happens the pile I originally had
is slowly melting away.
I continue this ritual over and over
as I spastically look for you.
Seeing if you want to save these feeling just as bad as I do.
But you are nowhere to be found.
And as I continue to search for you,
longing for you to want me,
I hear the repetitive
slip slip slip
catch catch catch.
And I’m out of breath
and I’m exhausted
with this failed attempt to find you
until I look down and realize that there is
I shout out your name one final time in hopes that
I’ll hear your footsteps running,
but the only thing I hear is the echo of my own voice
wrapping it’s frigid arms around my body.
And with that I gaze down at the grain,
And I slowly let it drop off my hands,
allowing it to give company to the rest of the feelings,
scattered all over the ground.
And as I start to walk away,
I hear my name being called distantly,
you’ve seen the grains,
you’ve seen the feelings,
but it’s too damn late.
Something I’ll never understand is when a guy says he’s ready to make you their everything but then goes behind your back and cheats. Uhm excuse me, no, you couldn’t even stay faithful or loyal, how could I ever be your everything?
Not only are you a horrible person for stabbing me in the back and cheating but now you’re a liar on top of it.
Do an amortization schedule for 16 months not once but twice.
Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating but no lie, finance will be the death of me. I am having such difficulty understanding what to do in certain situations that I’ve officially signed up for the Khan Academy since I watched their youtube videos when I suffered through statisticles-yeah I’m mature.
It was a fun parent weekend and now I’m home for the funeral and will be on my way back to school on Tuesday. I’ll post more later about my new little weight loss plan (isn’t there always a new one? whoops.) But I need to go get ready for dinner so that I look like a human and not a man with crazy hair.