When did I realize my relationship was over?
When the witty, sarcastic texts that were “intelligent”
were now recognized as rude.
When the late night phone calls that woke me up to chat
were now ignored.
When his horrible singing and guitar playing that was “just so cute”,
was now nothing but complete annoyance.
When the hours without response at work were tolerable,
were now intolerable.
When his anger and command “came from a caring” place
was now recognized as his own selfishness and insecurity.
When his indecisiveness meant that he was “open-minded and self reflective”
instead of just being a reckless asshole.
But when did I really realize that my relationship was over?
When I woke up knowing I couldn’t give a damn if he was in my life anymore.
Today was a day for me that is hard to describe in words. I woke up sad. Really sad. And I wanted to lay in my bed until 2:40pm and just be alone and drown in my self pity. But the more I thought about that, the more annoyed I got with myself and knew I had to get up. I’ve had days like these before, and sometimes I give in to the sadness, but today I didn’t. I yelled out loud to myself “STOP IT AND GET UP” and what do you know, my body shot up, my feet touched the ground and I was up. I turned on “Roll to Me” by Del Amitri on full blast and danced around, got in the shower, got ready, and ran out the door as fast as I could. I know from previous experience that if I stay in my house all alone, I just feel sadder.
As I walked, I put on all kinds of music, happy, sad, fall, and enjoyed every single word of every song. I took the time to look around at the neighborhoods I passed, the leaves changing colors, the amount of people walking to and from classes. It made me feel better, and most importantly I focused on breathing in and breathing out. It relaxed me completely and made me feel so much better, so much more alive.
Good things started happening: my class was canceled, I got to spend time with friends, and I completed things today that I’ve put aside for weeks. It’s as if when I left my apartment today that something just smacked me in my face, whether it be God or my own conscience, and screamed “HILARY, WAKE UP.” I can’t describe what it was like other than a lot of worries faded away, and I felt okay. I knew the answers to certain questions I had been wondering for weeks and felt truly inspired. I felt self worth, I felt empowerment, I felt freedom. I had the motivation to strive and I pushed all of the negative things holding me down aside.
I don’t know if on every bad day that I’ll have crazy epiphany’s like this, but whatever happened to me today was beautiful and not taken for granted.
I am a huge buzzfeed lover and I couldn’t help but share this article because it is WAY to relevant to my life right now! Check it out.
Do an amortization schedule for 16 months not once but twice.
Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating but no lie, finance will be the death of me. I am having such difficulty understanding what to do in certain situations that I’ve officially signed up for the Khan Academy since I watched their youtube videos when I suffered through statisticles-yeah I’m mature.
It was a fun parent weekend and now I’m home for the funeral and will be on my way back to school on Tuesday. I’ll post more later about my new little weight loss plan (isn’t there always a new one? whoops.) But I need to go get ready for dinner so that I look like a human and not a man with crazy hair.