Today was a day for me that is hard to describe in words. I woke up sad. Really sad. And I wanted to lay in my bed until 2:40pm and just be alone and drown in my self pity. But the more I thought about that, the more annoyed I got with myself and knew I had to get up. I’ve had days like these before, and sometimes I give in to the sadness, but today I didn’t. I yelled out loud to myself “STOP IT AND GET UP” and what do you know, my body shot up, my feet touched the ground and I was up. I turned on “Roll to Me” by Del Amitri on full blast and danced around, got in the shower, got ready, and ran out the door as fast as I could. I know from previous experience that if I stay in my house all alone, I just feel sadder.
As I walked, I put on all kinds of music, happy, sad, fall, and enjoyed every single word of every song. I took the time to look around at the neighborhoods I passed, the leaves changing colors, the amount of people walking to and from classes. It made me feel better, and most importantly I focused on breathing in and breathing out. It relaxed me completely and made me feel so much better, so much more alive.
Good things started happening: my class was canceled, I got to spend time with friends, and I completed things today that I’ve put aside for weeks. It’s as if when I left my apartment today that something just smacked me in my face, whether it be God or my own conscience, and screamed “HILARY, WAKE UP.” I can’t describe what it was like other than a lot of worries faded away, and I felt okay. I knew the answers to certain questions I had been wondering for weeks and felt truly inspired. I felt self worth, I felt empowerment, I felt freedom. I had the motivation to strive and I pushed all of the negative things holding me down aside.
I don’t know if on every bad day that I’ll have crazy epiphany’s like this, but whatever happened to me today was beautiful and not taken for granted.
A poem I wrote in February.
I look down at the feelings I have for you
just holding them in one hand.
And as I question how it’s gotten to this,
And as I question how your love could change,
I start to feel the feelings slip through my fingers,
like delicate grains of sand.
I feel them trickle through each crack of my hand
and I start to panic
and my heart starts to race as I put my hand under,
attempting to save them.
Only I start falling back into the same pattern as they
slip slip slip
catch catch catch.
And with each time this happens the pile I originally had
is slowly melting away.
I continue this ritual over and over
as I spastically look for you.
Seeing if you want to save these feeling just as bad as I do.
But you are nowhere to be found.
And as I continue to search for you,
longing for you to want me,
I hear the repetitive
slip slip slip
catch catch catch.
And I’m out of breath
and I’m exhausted
with this failed attempt to find you
until I look down and realize that there is
I shout out your name one final time in hopes that
I’ll hear your footsteps running,
but the only thing I hear is the echo of my own voice
wrapping it’s frigid arms around my body.
And with that I gaze down at the grain,
And I slowly let it drop off my hands,
allowing it to give company to the rest of the feelings,
scattered all over the ground.
And as I start to walk away,
I hear my name being called distantly,
you’ve seen the grains,
you’ve seen the feelings,
but it’s too damn late.
Once upon a time a year ago my life was different then how it is now, a year younger, a little bit carefree, the world at my feet and a life that I loved more than anything else. Now let me tell you first, there is nothing that I regret…Nothing at all. I’ve made some silly choices and gone done roads that I shouldn’t have but after all that, not one regret. I believe that we grow and become stronger throughout the decisions we make and regret is something that should be left behind (and knowing my history, I’m the perfect example.)
A year from now I had no expectations, my brain was an open book, the only thing I worried about was the next place in the world I would be visiting.
A year ago from now I was in Rome, the world’s history at my finger tips, I felt invincible, and unstoppable side by side with my best friend drunkenly stumbling around the city meeting people that changed our lives.
I look at those moments, the year ago moments, and it’s insane how much can happen. How all of these feelings, experiences, and little instances can drastically change who you are and where you want to be going. A year ago today, the memories can hurt, they can make you laugh, they can inspire you, but no matter what the memories are, every single one of us needs to embrace them. They are stepping stones that construct the people we are today and help develop us into the people we want to become.
What were you doing a year ago?
This is what I was doing:
(photo cred to Christina)
are in the video below….
1:15, 2:15, 2:53 and 3:12. I’m such a pretty screamer….
(featured at Frightmares on Buck Hill)