Happy Halloween from Good Ol’ MSP.

HALLOWEEN.

A reason for college students to get drunk on a Thursday.

My Halloween was weird.  I mean, normal things happened, like I went on a run and I had lunch and whatever else my typical day consists of.  However, when I was sitting in my normal finance class something spooky happened.  We were almost an hour in when all of a sudden a guy with a scream mask and costume walked into the room.  He just stared at the entire class, completely still.  Everyone laughed at first as he spent his time walking over to my professor and standing in front of him.

I was trying to figure out if my professor knew this was going to happen or if he was just as surprised, but by the look on his face and his body language it looked like he was stunned too.  Then the scream guy just stayed on the other side of the room and stared, until I got this feeling.  oh shit.  He is going to come by me, I just know it.  Whenever I got to haunted houses, whenever I go to haunted mazes, anything, those weirdos find me!  And sure enough, he slowly walked up to me and touched my head and then picked up my calculator.  He stood over me and just stared.  I yelled “why do they always find me?!”  And then looked up and saw the eyes behind the mask, and it was so fricken creepy!  They just stared at me and I hated every second of it.  This is the kind of crap that goes on during criminal minds and what not.  Eventually he left, picked up a guys water bottle, set it down, and headed for the door.  Right as he had his hand on the door he turned around and gave a thumbs up…It was so weird!!

I took a few pictures of him leaving, but they aren’t very good

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I went out for Halloween and was a biker chick, just an easy DIY costume.  It was fun but the bar was so packed that you could barely walk, so I ended up going home a little early since I had to get up at 5:30 am for work.

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Can’t believe that it’s already November…..

 

 

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I feel Good! (nah nah nah nah nah)

I knew that I would!

 

So, I am not a long distance runner, never have been and probably never will be.  My height is no help coming in at a raging 5’3″ and I have more curves than the Switzerland mountains.  When I was younger in high school and even middle school, I was the short distance runner.  I could slow jog for a good while, but I could have amazing bursts of speed which benefited me in all of the sports I played.  I was one of the fastest on the team when it came to sprints because of the amount of muscle I had pushing me forward.  Anyway–not long distance.

But I have long distance goals.  On my bucket list I have the goal to run in a 5k.  Not just participate but push myself to the very best.  My goal is to do it without stopping, and without walking.  I know this sounds weird but for some reason sometimes it’s like I mentally like giving up. There are moments when I’m on the treadmill and I’ll give up at .99 miles, or will go on the elliptical for 30 minutes and be done at 28. I don’t know why but that’s how my messed up mentality is. But today was a significant day for me. It sounds stupid but it’s true. I haven’t worked out hard in a long time. (I went on the elliptical yesterday and couldn’t believe how out of shape I was!). So I decided to call on my work out buddy and old roomie Anna. And we made a pact. Every Tuesday and Thursday at 9am we would run. Well today was the first day and guess what guys. I made it. I finished. I didn’t give up. I thank Anna for that considering there was a time at the 2.25 mile mark where she grabbed my sleeve and said “No Hil, it’s all down hill from here!” It literally was the best. And I never gave up or walked the rest of the way home, I finished strong.

Like I said, this sounds childish, but it meant a lot to me to push myself to the finish when I so frequently don’t see the finish. I felt so good and accomplished afterwards, you’d think I ran a marathon. But it was my own little marathon, and I finished.

The poem of the day to end this blog post is called “Dare to Be” By Steve Maraboli:

Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!

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“Depression is …

“Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door.”

Unknown Author

Breathe Deep

1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her.  It’s okay.  I will still love you.

2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special.  Celebrate anyway.  Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you.  Cherish that love, revel in it.  It is the best gift you will ever receive.

3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay.  Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear.  Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t.  Trust yourself.  Go with your gut.

4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you.  Why did you get that tattoo?  Why did you try to kill yourself?  Wy aren’t you married yet?  You don’t have to answer them.  Be selfish.  Keep some things to yourself.

5. Some night you won’t be able to sleep.  You will lie awake at 2am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point.  Get up.  Get out of your bed.  Do something.  Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters.  You matter to me.

6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own.

7. There will be several night when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.

8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on.

9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home.

10.The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.

11.When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.

12.Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.

Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.

Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.

Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.

Are you listening? Because this is your life, singing a siren song to capture your attention and steer away from the rocks, to guide you back home.

-The Twelve Step Program for Life By:M.K.

Everything is Going to be Okay.

Today was a day for me that is hard to describe in words.  I woke up sad.  Really sad.  And I wanted to lay in my bed until 2:40pm and just be alone and drown in my self pity.  But the more I thought about that, the more annoyed I got with myself and knew I had to get up.  I’ve had days like these before, and sometimes I give in to the sadness, but today I didn’t.  I yelled out loud to myself “STOP IT AND GET UP” and what do you know, my body shot up, my feet touched the ground and I was up.  I turned on “Roll to Me” by Del Amitri on full blast and danced around, got in the shower, got ready, and ran out the door as fast as I could.  I know from previous experience that if I stay in my house all alone, I just feel sadder.

As I walked, I put on all kinds of music, happy, sad, fall, and enjoyed every single word of every song.  I took the time to look around at the neighborhoods I passed, the leaves changing colors, the amount of people walking to and from classes.  It made me feel better, and most importantly I focused on breathing in and breathing out.  It relaxed me completely and made me feel so much better, so much more alive.

Good things started happening: my class was canceled, I got to spend time with friends, and I completed things today that I’ve put aside for weeks.  It’s as if when I left my apartment today that something just smacked me in my face, whether it be God or my own conscience, and screamed “HILARY, WAKE UP.”  I can’t describe what it was like other than a lot of worries faded away, and I felt okay.  I knew the answers to certain questions I had been wondering for weeks and felt truly inspired.  I felt self worth, I felt empowerment, I felt freedom.  I had the motivation to strive and I pushed all of the negative things holding me down aside.

I don’t know if on every bad day that I’ll have crazy epiphany’s like this, but whatever happened to me today was beautiful and not taken for granted.

Grains of Sand

A poem I wrote in February.

I look down at the feelings I have for you

just holding them in one hand.

And as I question how it’s gotten to this,

And as I question how your love could change,

I start to feel the feelings slip through my fingers,

like delicate grains of sand.

I feel them trickle through each crack of my hand

and I start to panic

and my heart starts to race as I put my hand under,

attempting to save them.

Only I start falling back into the same pattern as they

slip slip slip

and I

catch catch catch.

And with each time this happens the pile I originally had

is slowly melting away.

I continue this ritual over and over

as I spastically look for you.

Seeing if you want to save these feeling just as bad as I do.

But you are nowhere to be found.

And as I continue to search for you,

longing for you to want me,

I hear the repetitive

slip slip slip

and the

catch catch catch.

And I’m out of breath

and I’m exhausted

with this failed attempt to find you

until I look down and realize that there is

one

grain

left.

I shout out your name one final time in hopes that

I’ll hear your footsteps running,

but the only thing I hear is the echo of my own voice

wrapping it’s frigid arms around my body.

And with that I gaze down at the grain,

And I slowly let it drop off my hands,

allowing it to give company to the rest of the feelings,

scattered all over the ground.

And as I start to walk away,

I hear my name being called distantly,

you’ve seen the grains,

you’ve seen the feelings,

but it’s too damn late.